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Christmas ‘Elf and Safety’

Christmas ‘Elf and Safety’

A Little Christmas Laugh – Enjoy!

Little Donkey

Little donkey, Little donkey
On the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles, and goggles to avoid risk of eye injury from kicked up stones etc. The donkey has also expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherd’s has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note that the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around he/she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


XmasBellsWe Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, Moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash for Gold‘ etc, gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions and potential poisoning if swallowed. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

The Health and Safety Executive  would not advise that the traversing Kings rely solely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations due to the unpredictability of cloud conditions, and suggest the use of AA route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Additionally, they should notify the authorities of their intended route in order that rescue services can respond in a more orchestrated manner should the need arise. Please note that as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks and goggles for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.


Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Goggles, hard hats and face masks are mandatory due to the danger of flying ice from the horse’s hooves. Please note that permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in yuletide celebrations, we would suggest that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and legal action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Merry Christmas!