Dear spammers and senders of spoof and fake emails, there is no need to send me any spam today.
I do not need any discount Viagra or Cialis, I am not in need of any discount surgical procedures, I am happy with the size of all appendages and do not want any discount laser eye surgery.
I do not want you to transfer a share of 300 million Ugandan Dollars into my bank account that you find you have left over from a dead business person, or the surviving spouses of a former government official and I certainly do not want to send you my bank account details, date of birth, address, telephone number, inside leg measurement and copy of my passport to facilitate this transaction.
I do not want to click on the link you have sent me to a fake PayPal account, fake Amazon account, fake Vodafone account, fake iTunes account or fake bank account, nor do I believe the email that claims ‘someone has been posting nasty things about me’ on twitter. My passwords are secret, so are my user names and I do not want to share them with you.
I do not want to outsource my SEO to a team of dedicated professionals in a far off land, I have read your comments that my website does not appear on the search engines when in fact I find it does. Nor do I want to buy 20 million twitter followers from a back and beyond island on the other side of the moon for just $5.
I do not want to click on the link you sent me to renew my domain name but which in fact transfers my domain name to you. Nor do I believe a company in China is disputing my domain name registration.
I do not want to open the attachment you have sent me claiming to be from Royal Mail, the Inland Revenue or some obscure relative that has sent me a greetings card, all of these attachments contain virus’s which despite your kind offer I do not want.
I am delighted to know that I have won 50 million Euros in an unheard of foreign lottery that I never entered but I really don’t want to send you £1000 so that you can release the funds to me, please send the funds to the manager of the Ugandan Bank noted above so that he can add it to the pot he is trying to give away.
I don’t want to buy any business mailing lists, I don’t want to buy any email marketing lists, I don’t need a franking machine, I don’t want a lease hire vehicle or engineering products or clothing from the Far East. I am happy with my phone provider, my gas and electric provider, I don’t need insurance or home improvement products and I am unconcerned by my baldness and do not want any spray on hair, and NO, I do not want to take part in your survey.
I have replied to your emails with ‘UNSUBSCRIBE’ in the subject line around half a million times and clicked on the unsubscribe link to which I never subscribed in the first place more times than I can remember.
I am not stuck in Thailand or the Himalayas and do not need anyone I know to send money to your bank account so that I can get home.
Thank you for all your many hundreds of thousands of kind offers over the years but please now piss off and do not send any more!
Kind Regards and Hugs
The Isle of Wight Computer Geek !!!